


Someone Must Have Sent You to Save Me Tonight

by yamsfreckles



Series: YamaHina Soulmate AU [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Anxiety, Child Abuse, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Recovery, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Tsukishima Kei is a Good Friend, platonic tsukkiyama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-23 10:48:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30054294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yamsfreckles/pseuds/yamsfreckles
Summary: "For as long as Yamaguchi could remember it had been just him, his mom, and his grandparents who watched him after school while his mom worked.And then his mom started dating Kobayashi Ryusei."-Or-YamaHina Soulmate AU where whatever marks appear on your skin also appear on your Soulmate
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Yamaguchi Tadashi/Original Character(s)
Series: YamaHina Soulmate AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2210910
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	Someone Must Have Sent You to Save Me Tonight

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! If you haven't already, please stop, scroll back up, and read all the tags and warnings before proceeding. This fic contains some heavy shit and common triggers including child abuse (physical and sexual), self harm, and attempted suicide. Please proceed with caution.
> 
> This is a companion piece to Make it to Me - a work I published a few years ago. It is not necessary to read that work first in order to understand this one, as it's the exact same story, just from Hinata's perspective; however, if you'd like to read it first (or after) you definitely can if you're interested in reading about Hinata's side of things.
> 
> Fic title inspired by the song "Saved My Life" by Sia.
> 
> This is not beta-ed and I apologize for any and all mistakes.

Yamaguchi didn’t like his mom’s new boyfriend, but he wasn’t sure why. He was kind enough, and he always brought sweets for Yamaguchi whenever he would come visit. Most importantly he made Yamaguchi’s mom happy, and she deserved to be happy. Yamaguchi was just a kid, but he knew how hard his mom worked, how lonely she was after his dad left.

Yamaguchi had never known his dad. The man had left when Yamaguchi was too young to have reliable memories. For as long as he could remember it had been just him, his mom, and his grandparents who watched him after school while his mom worked. 

And then his mom started dating Kobayashi Ryusei.

He didn’t seem like a bad man and Yamaguchi liked seeing his mom happy, but something about him made Yamaguchi nervous. He had expressed as much to his grandparents, too worried about upsetting his mom’s happiness to bring it up to her directly.

“I don’t like Kobayashi-san,” he’d said one day while they sat around the table eating lunch. Yamaguchi kicked his legs nervously under his chair.

His grandpa looked up from the paper he’d been reading and blinked at him, confused. “Why do you say that, Tadashi?”

Yamaguchi shrugged and moved his rice around with his chopsticks, not really hungry. “I just don’t.”

His grandpa grunted and went back to his paper, apparently not caring to continue the conversation. Yamaguchi looked up from his plate and met his grandmother’s gentle eyes. She smiled at him softly. “It’s a big change for both you and your mother,” she said as she stood to start the dishes. “It’ll take some adjusting.”

And that had been the end of the conversation.

It wasn’t until a couple months later that Yamaguchi’s nerves had been proven justified.

His grandparents had an unavoidable doctor’s appointment to attend and were unavailable to watch him after school. His mom had been frantic trying to get someone to cover her shift so Yamaguchi wouldn’t be alone after school when Kobayashi had kindly offered to babysit so she wouldn’t have to miss work. She had smiled at him gratefully and that was that.

That was the first time Kobayashi had hit Yamaguchi. It had been an unexpected blow while Yamaguchi was watching afternoon cartoons. Kobayashi had told him to turn the TV off and do his homework. Yamaguchi had no idea what came over him. He was normally a very polite and obedient child and he had never talked back to an adult before, but he had just wrapped his arms around his legs and mumbled. “No. You’re not my dad.”

The blow to his side knocked the air out of him and he cried out, clutching at his ribs. No one had ever hit him before, not even the bullies at school. He’d been pushed and pulled and knocked to the ground, but never struck.

His eyes welled with tears as he looked up at Kobayashi’s angry expression. “You’ll do as you’re told, Tadashi,” he spat out.

Yamaguchi shakily got to his feet, still clutching at his side. He shut the TV off and moved silently to the kitchen table to start his homework.

Kobayashi’s glare followed him the entire way before his venomous voice spoke again. “If you tell your mother about this, I’ll make you regret it.”

*****

A few months later he met Tsukishima. He had been walking home when a group of bullies had surrounded him, mocking and jeering at him and his “dirty face” and his lack of a dad. _‘Your own dad couldn’t even look at your dumb dirty face, that’s why he left.’_

It wasn’t anything out of the norm. He’d been knocked down and a bag full of schoolbooks had been thrown at his chest. Normally he didn’t cry when he was bullied. He was used to it. But the book bag struck his chest right over a fresh bruise that Kobayashi had left on him just the day before, and he couldn’t help but cry out at the pain.

The bullies continued to mock him and his tears. _‘You’re such a baby, Yamaguchi.’_

Yamaguchi cried, just waiting for them to get bored and leave when a voice interrupted them.

“Pathetic.”

Yamaguchi blinked tears out of his eyes and glanced up at the tall blond boy standing a few feet away, eyeing the bullies with disdain.

They quickly scattered after that, and the boy met Yamaguchi’s eyes briefly before continuing on his way.

Yamaguchi had never been more grateful for anyone in his life.

The weeks passed slowly, and Yamaguchi treasured his newfound friendship with Tsukishima. He hadn’t ever had any real friends before. Tsukishima was so cool and tall and not afraid of anyone and Yamaguchi admired him so so much. He was also a safe person to be around, because most kids steered clear of the intimidating blond, which meant that Yamaguchi got a reprieve from the bullying.

He wasn’t so lucky at home.

Kobayashi watched him after school almost every day now, claiming that Yamaguchi’s grandparents deserved a break.

Sometimes he’d be lucky enough to convince his mom to let him go to Tsukishima’s after school – the few times he could get her on the phone to ask anyway. More often than not, Kobayashi answered, and when Yamaguchi stuttered out his request, the no was always swift and harsh.

Things got a thousand times worse when Yamaguchi’s mother had to do an overnight shift at her second job, which meant that Kobayashi would be watching him overnight. Kobayashi assured her that it was no trouble, and he was happy to help out.

Yamaguchi listened to their phone conversation anxiously. He was sitting at the table doing his homework. He never bothered to try to watch TV anymore. It’d taken less than a week for Kobayashi’s fist to break that habit, though he still got struck nearly every day for small things. Moving too slowly when taking the garbage out. Dropping his school bag a little too heavily on the table. Being too quiet. Being too loud. Sometimes for no reason at all.

He felt tears prick at his eyes as he listened to the phone call wrap up. His mom wouldn’t be coming home tonight, and he’d be stuck walking on eggshells for the whole evening. He quickly wiped his eyes before Kobayashi could see him crying and decide that was reason enough to hit him.

Kobayashi hung up the phone and turned to look at Yamaguchi, who kept his head down, pencil working over his homework quickly.

“Why don’t you go get ready for bed, Tadashi,” the man requested.

Yamaguchi knew better than to protest. Knew better than to point out that it wasn’t even five yet or that his homework still wasn’t done. He didn’t want to give Kobayashi any reason to be angry with him. He simply put his pencil down quietly and did as he was told.

Kobayashi entered his room while he was changing and Yamaguchi stiffened in surprise, pulling on his pajamas as quickly as he could, worried that he was going to be struck for not being quick enough to change.

“Tadashi,” the man said softly, a tone of voice that he rarely used when Yamaguchi’s mother wasn’t around. “Why don’t you lie down?”

Yamaguchi met his eyes briefly before looking down at the floor and shuffled over to his bed. Going to bed early was much better than having to tiptoe around all night, so he was actually kind of grateful for this new punishment.

The gratitude quickly vanished when Kobayashi pinned him to the bed. “Be a good boy and don’t struggle. Okay, Tadashi?”

Fear settled deep in Yamaguchi’s gut, but he could do nothing but nod his head in a jerky movement.

That seemed to satisfy the man above him, and he grinned sharply before leaning down and pressing his lips harshly over Yamaguchi’s.

*****

The next day he didn’t go to school. How could he when he could barely move? Kobayashi had called the school and excused his absence and told his mom that Yamaguchi was sick and needed to rest.

When his mom came home, she peeked into his room, a glass of water in her hands. “Hey sweetie,” she greeted when he turned his head slowly to look at her. “How are you feeling, pumpkin?”

Yamaguchi swallowed and parted his dry lips. “I’m sick.” He couldn’t tell his mom. He couldn’t. When it was over, Kobayashi had threatened him again. Told him that he would kill him if he ever breathed a word about this to anyone. The dark look in his eyes made Yamaguchi have no trouble believing him.

“I know baby, I’m sorry. Here, I brought you some water, can you sit up and take a drink?”

Yamaguchi shifted his legs. Could he sit up? He pressed his hands against the bed and pushed himself up into a half-sitting position. The pain was sharp, but he ignored it. He couldn’t let his mom find out.

He drank the water greedily, glad to be in his mom’s safe presence. She stroked his hair lightly as he drank and despite the fear that was a new constant for him, he felt reassured. Or at least he did until she spoke again.

“I’m probably going to have to do more overnight shifts for the next little while,” she told him reluctantly. “Hopefully it won’t be for too long, but Ryusei will be able to watch you.”

Yamaguchi flinched slightly at her words before he handed the empty glass back to her. “Can’t I stay with grandpa and grandpa?” he asked, trying to keep the desperation out of his voice.

His mom hummed. “You miss them, don’t you?”

He nodded quickly. It was probably true. He probably did miss them. He certainly missed their gentleness.

A sigh left his mom’s lips. “Maybe sometimes. But they’re getting older and can’t watch you every time. Maybe we can work out a system, hmmm? Every other time maybe?” She smiled as she offered this compromise.

Yamaguchi latched onto it quickly. He’d take what he could get. “And maybe…” he paused, worried that he sounded too eager to come up with reasons to not have Kobayashi watch him overnight again. “Could I maybe spend the night at Tsukki’s sometimes too?”

His mom just smiled. “Sure, sweetie,” she assured. “I’m glad you have such a good friend. I’m going to be working overnight again on Thursday. Do you want me to ask Tsukishima-kun’s parents if you can stay the night?”

He nodded his head enthusiastically. “Yes please!”

*****

Yamaguchi’s system was flawed, and it didn’t keep him out of Kobayashi’s hands every time, but it was working to at least minimize their contact. Most nights he spent at Tsukishima’s house, and when they couldn’t host him, his grandparents would occasionally let him stay the night, happy to have their grandson spend some time with them again.

While their contact was minimized, it only made the few nights he did have to stay home with Kobayashi worse. The blows came harder, and he was much rougher and harsher when he pinned Yamaguchi to his bed. The painful bites started happening, staying confined to his upper thighs, easily covered by even his PE uniform shorts.

One Friday night it was the worst it had ever been. Kobayashi had beaten him harshly and the bruises were dark and ugly and blossomed across his skin quickly. He sobbed, despite knowing it wouldn’t help. It only ever made Kobayashi angrier, but he couldn’t help it. The pain was indescribable.

He woke up slowly the next morning, unable to move without pain flashing through him sharply. He could barely bring himself to be grateful it was Saturday, and he wouldn’t have to miss school. School was his reprieve. It had used to be the opposite. Home had been his safe place to go after school where the bullies never seemed to stop. Now, school was where he went to get away from Kobayashi and his cruelty. Tsukishima kept him safe from the bullies, but even if he hadn’t, the bullies would have been preferable to being home.

He rubbed his eyes with his fists, trying to wake up quickly so he could be at least semi-functioning before his mom got home. As he pulled his hands away from his face something caught his eye on the back of his left hand. He blinked at it blearily, trying to clear his vision. It looked like a smiley face. 

He frowned slightly and brought his hand closer to his eyes for inspection. It was definitely a smiley face, drawn in what looked like pen. He was confused. He had no idea when or how that’d been drawn on him. He traced it slightly with the fingers on his right hand. Despite the pain and constant fear, he found himself smiling slightly as he looked at the mark. He didn’t know how he got it, but it made him happy for some reason.

*****

The unexplained pen marks showed up periodically. Yamaguchi was still confused by them, and maybe he should have even been afraid of them, but everything else in his life was already scary enough. The little drawings were nice.

He didn’t find out what they were until a few weeks later. He was sleeping over at Tsukishima’s house and the two were playing Mario Kart on Tsukishima’s old Nintendo 64. Tsukishima always beat him, but that was okay. Yamaguchi just liked spending time with his friend. After a very thorough thrashing on Rainbow Road Yamaguchi put his controller down and admitted defeat for the night.

Tsukishima just laughed and they turned to start on their homework.

After a couple of minutes, Tsukishima broke the silence, curiosity in his voice. “What’s that, Yamaguchi?” 

Yamaguchi looked up. “What’s what?”

Tsukishima pointed at his hand. “That.”

Yamaguchi glanced down at his hand and found a new drawing. It looked like a ball of some type. “Oh.” He glanced back down at his homework quickly. He’d never tried to explain the drawings to anyone before. Would Tsukishima think he was lying? “They just show up sometimes,” he admitted.

Tsukishima furrowed his eyebrows and grabbed Yamaguchi’s wrist, pulling his hand closer to his face to get a better look. “It looks like a volleyball,” he said, tracing the drawing with his pointer finger.

Yamaguchi chanced a glance at Tsukishima’s face, but he didn’t look weirded out, just curious.

“How often do they show up?” he asked.

Yamaguchi shrugged. “Once a week or so.”

Tsukishima released his wrist and nodded, picking his pencil up and turning back to his homework. “I didn’t know you had a Soulmate,” he said conversationally. “That’s cool.”

Yamaguchi blinked. “I have a what?”

“A Soulmate,” Tsukishima repeated, glancing back up at Yamaguchi. He must have seen the confusion on his face. “You didn’t know?”

All Yamaguchi could do was shake his head slowly.

“Oh.” Tsukishima put his pencil down again and furrowed his eyebrows. “It’s like, a person who’s a perfect match for you, I guess? Your skin is connected. They’re drawing on themselves, and that’s why you can see it,” he explained.

Yamaguchi blinked and looked back down at the drawing of the volleyball. “So, they would be able to see if I drew on myself too?”

Tsukishima just nodded. “Yeah, or if you wrote. All marks appear except like, personal information like names and stuff.”

This whole conversation was confusing to Yamaguchi, but it was nice to know that the marks weren’t bad or weird. There was an explanation for them. He had a Soulmate. He was still too young to really understand the gravity of what that meant, but it didn’t seem like a bad thing.

A few minutes later he had a new thought, much less pleasant.

“Tsukki?” he asked tentatively.

Tsukishima looked up at him. “Hmmm?”

“What about like… bruises and stuff? Would those appear too?” He held his breath while he waited for an answer.

“Yeah, it’s any marks. Writing, drawing, bruises, cuts, scrapes. Anything.”

Yamaguchi swallowed thickly. All of his bruises. All of his injuries. They would have appeared on this other person too. His hands shook slightly. He needed a distraction. “How do you know all this?” he asked.

Tsukishima just shrugged. “My parents are Soulmates,” he explained. “They’re not super common I guess, but it always seemed normal to me because I grew up with it.”

Yamaguchi hummed in acknowledgement. They finished their homework in silence, Yamaguchi’s mind a million miles away.

*****

Another couple weeks later he joined the volleyball team. Tsukishima had already been a member of the team and after the volleyball drawing, Yamaguchi figured that his Soulmate probably liked volleyball too. Maybe he’d be able to meet them through the sport. Though for all he knew, his Soulmate could have lived in a different country. Some people with Soulmates never met theirs after all.

Being on a sports team – even an elementary school one – meant that he had less free time after school, which was perfect. The more time he spent away from home the better. Kobayashi wasn’t pleased with Yamaguchi’s avoidance, but his mother was thrilled. She was so glad to see him branching out and trying different things.

Everything finally came to a head about a month after he joined the team. It was a random Friday after practice and Yamaguchi was bouncing on his feet excitedly. “Are you ready to go, Tsukki?” he asked. They were supposed to be having another sleepover while Yamaguchi’s mom worked a late shift and Tsukishima had gotten a new Nintendo game for his birthday that they were excited to play together.

Tsukishima sighed and Yamaguchi immediately stilled his excited bouncing. “I meant to tell you earlier, but my parents and brother are going to look at colleges this weekend, and Aki-nii wants me to come along. We have to leave early in the morning, so you can’t stay the night.” He threw an apologetic glance at Yamaguchi.

Yamaguchi nodded slowly, dread already seeping into his veins, but he couldn’t begrudge Tsukishima wanting to go on a trip with his brother. Akiteru was Tsukishima’s favorite person in the world. “No worries, Tsukki!” he said brightly, overcompensating for the fear he felt. It was much too late to call his grandparents and have them watch him. He’d have to go home. “Maybe next weekend.”

They parted ways, and Yamaguchi slowly trudged his way home. He opened the front door as quietly as he could, hoping he would be able to sneak into his room before Kobayashi noticed him. Luck wasn’t on his side it seemed.

Kobayashi was sitting on the couch watching TV when Yamaguchi entered the apartment. The man glanced up at him immediately and Yamaguchi felt rooted to the spot, freezing with the door half-open.

The harsh glare on Kobayashi’s face immediately set Yamaguchi on edge.

“I thought you were spending the night at your little friend’s tonight.” His voice dripped with venom.

Yamaguchi swallowed quickly. He knew not answering would be more dangerous. Would make it more painful. “He’s going on a trip tomorrow, so he had to cancel,” he said softly.

Kobayashi shifted on the couch, bringing the bottle of beer he was holding to his lips. “Close the damn door, you’re letting bugs in.”

Yamaguchi quickly obeyed, stepping inside and shutting the door behind him.

“Go to your room,” Kobayashi instructed.

Finally breaking eye contact, Yamaguchi hurried through the living room and down the hall to his bedroom. He knew better than to actually try to go to bed. Sure enough, not even a minute later, Kobayashi was pushing his bedroom door open and shoving Yamaguchi down on his bed.

Yamaguchi stared at the ceiling, biting his lip to keep from crying out as Kobayashi abused him. His teeth and grip were as harsh as ever, but at least he wasn’t hitting Yamaguchi. And if Yamaguchi could just stay silent, hopefully he wouldn’t.

But the pain eventually got the better of him and he couldn’t help a small whimper. Kobayashi’s eyes flashed in anger and Yamaguchi barely had enough time to register the fist rising above him before it connected with the side of his head, his vision blacking out. 

*****

He woke up to a bright light overhead. Much brighter than the ceiling light in his room. He blinked his eyes open slowly, squinting at the unfamiliar ceiling above him.

A gasp sounded to his right and he glanced over to meet his mom’s tearful eyes. “Tadashi, honey, can you hear me?”

He opened his mouth, but no words came out, so he settled for a weak nod.

His mom wrapped him in a gentle hug. He could feel her shoulder shaking with sobs. “I’m so sorry baby, I’m so sorry.”

He made a confused noise and his mom pulled back a bit, wiping her eyes.

“I should have noticed sooner,” she cried. “I should have been around more. I shouldn’t have trusted him. I’m so sorry, Tadashi, honey.” Silent sobs continued to wrack her body.

Yamaguchi’s eyes widened. His mom knew. Kobayashi’s threats were suddenly at the forefront of his mind, and he felt like he was going to be sick. “Wh-Where is…” His voice sounded awful and scratchy, barely any volume to it, and he couldn’t say his name, but his mom seemed to understand.

“Gone,” she said firmly, wiping her eyes again. “In police custody.” She brought her shaky hands down to grasp Yamaguchi’s own. “I promise he will never hurt you again.”

The conviction in his mom’s voice and eyes was reassuring and Yamaguchi felt his tense shoulders relax. It was finally over.

*****

The next few months were weird. He was staying with his grandparents while his mom worked on handling legal things he didn’t understand. Yamaguchi had had to recount everything to a lawyer which had been uncomfortable. His mom was present for the entire meeting and her face was ashen by the end as she realized the full extent of what had happened to her son.

He wasn’t allowed to live with his mom for the time being. He didn’t fully understand why, but his grandparents had assured him it was temporary. Big words like “negligence” and “accessory” were tossed around when they thought Yamaguchi wasn’t listening.

School was school. Only a select few teachers knew the reason behind Yamaguchi’s change in residence. And then there was Tsukishima. Tsukishima knew. Yamaguchi’s grandparents had called Tsukishima’s parents to explain – after receiving Yamaguchi’s permission of course – and they in turn explained as best they could to their son. Tsukishima deserved to know why Yamaguchi wouldn’t be able to walk home with him after school and why they couldn’t have sleepovers for a while.

He trusted his best friend and that trust was well-placed. Though they couldn’t see each other outside of school and volleyball practice, they were even more inseparable while at school.

Yamaguchi also developed really bad anxiety during this time. Before, school was safe because the threat was at home. The threat was now gone, but his body didn’t know that, and he held himself in a constant state of near-panic no matter where he was. Any loud sound or unexpected touch made him freeze up immediately. Even an unexpected pat on the back from one of his teammates would make his throat close up and his vision swim. He was glad that he had Tsukishima to glare at anyone who got too close to him, and he was grateful that his friend was always there to help him on particularly bad days.

And through all of the changes, the pictures from his Soulmate continued. They never failed to brighten his day when he would look at his hand or palm and see a new drawing. They were always simple, silly things. Volleyballs continued to be common, as well as flowers and suns. Yamaguchi never drew back. He couldn’t bring himself to do it. But he cherished every single drawing. He hoped his Soulmate knew how much that simple kindness meant to him.

*****

Time went on, as it tends to do. Kobayashi’s trial was quick, the man pleading guilty with no fight, and he was sentenced to 15 years in prison. His mother was acquitted of negligence, which was a phrase Yamaguchi really didn’t understand, but it meant that he finally got to go home and live with her again. He loved his grandparents, but his mom had a special way of making him feel safe and loved and protected. She started picking up fewer hours at work so she could be home with him more, and she refused any overnight shifts altogether.

He was also finally able to hang out with Tsukishima regularly again now that he was home. They had sleepovers almost every weekend, practicing volleyball with Akiteru in the backyard as much as possible.

In their last year of elementary school Tsukishima and Akiteru had a falling out and something in Tsukishima fundamentally changed. He stopped caring about almost anything. He wanted to quit the volleyball team too, but Yamaguchi had begged him not to. It was tense between them for a while. Volleyball was once something that they both enjoyed more than anything. Now it seemed to be more of a chore, especially for Tsukishima. But Yamaguchi didn’t want to quit. He still held out hope that volleyball would be how he met his Soulmate, but he didn’t want to do it without his best friend.

They applied for the same middle school and time continued to pass. Their first year was uneventful, time spent focusing on schoolwork and volleyball with varying degrees of enthusiasm. Tsukishima still wasn’t on speaking terms with Akiteru, and whenever his older brother was visiting, he would hide out at Yamaguchi’s house.

They didn’t spend much time playing carefree games anymore. Tsukishima never seemed to want to, and Yamaguchi never pushed him. They did their homework and watched TV and that was pretty much it.

Their second year was different – for Yamaguchi anyway. It started innocently enough. One of the first years on the team had asked why Yamaguchi always changed in the bathroom stalls and never in the locker room with the rest of the team. 

Tsukishima had glared at the first year, and he apologized quickly and scampered away. Yamaguchi threw his best friend a grateful look as he made his way to the restroom.

He thought about it as he changed. He’d always changed in the restroom ever since he started playing on a team. At first it was because his body had been constantly riddled with prominent bruises, and he didn’t want the team – or anyone for that matter – to see him that way and start asking questions. But even after his body had healed and the bruises were a distant memory he continued to change privately. 

The thought of anyone seeing him even half naked nauseated him. He’d had no control over it before, but now he did. He could control who did and didn’t see his body, and he didn’t want anyone to see it. He didn’t even want to see it himself, so changing in bathroom stalls away from his teammates and any mirrors was the obvious answer.

He could feel his hands start to shake as he pulled his practice shirt over his head. He spent a lot of time trying _not_ to think about what had happened to him, but now the memories felt fresh, closer to the surface. He wanted to vomit. He sat down on the toilet seat quickly, his legs giving out on him. He could feel himself starting to panic as the unwanted memories took center stage in his mind. He was older now and had a better frame of reference for everything that had happened to him. He wished he could just forget.

He dug his fingernails into his thighs trying to stop his hands from shaking. The sharp pinch hurt, but it also was a distraction. He blinked a couple times, focusing on the feeling of slight pain in his thighs. It helped ground him a bit and the shaking eventually stopped.

He sighed in relief before he finished changing and joined his team in the gym for practice.

*****

He didn’t know when his fingernails stopped being enough. The memories kept coming, and the distraction of his nails digging into his own flesh stopped being effective. He needed something more. Something more distracting. Something that _hurt._

He knew what he was doing was dangerous and wrong, but that didn’t stop him from cutting neat lines into his thighs at night when the memories became too painful.

Through everything, his Soulmate continued to draw pictures for him, but that made things worse. Where before it had brought so much comfort and happiness to Yamaguchi, now it just filled him with guilt. He knew his cuts were appearing on his Soulmate. He knew that he was probably terrifying them. His Soulmate drew him pictures every single day, but Yamaguchi found himself wishing they’d just stop.

One night the memories were the worst they’d ever been. He could almost feel the ghost of Kobayashi’s hands on him, and he wanted nothing more in that moment than to rip his skin from his body and burn it.

Instead, he took a razor to his thighs again. He felt the blade cut deeper than it ever had before, and his eyes widened as blood welled up quickly and seeped out of the cut. He hadn’t meant to cut that deep. It should have worried him, seeing so much blood, but he felt oddly detached from it. He blinked once and repeated the action on his other thigh, digging deep on purpose this time. The pain was sharp and blinding, and he gasped. Yes, this is what he needed.

He dropped the razor and stared in awe at the blood gushing down his legs. It should have scared him. He could tell he had gone way too deep. But he didn’t care. He couldn’t forget, so maybe the next best option was just…

He could feel his eyes growing heavier and suddenly nothing sounded better in that moment than taking a nap. A small part of him knew that if he closed his eyes now, he’d probably never open them again. And that was fine. It sounded nice actually.

He brought a shaky hand up to his face to wipe away a couple of relieved tears. He wouldn’t have to deal with the memories anymore and for that he was grateful.

As he pulled his hand away, something on his palm caught his eye. He blinked quickly and brought his hand closer to investigate the palm. It was writing from his Soulmate. His Soulmate had never written him before, only drawn pictures. The handwriting was messy and seemed to have been scrawled in a hurry, but Yamaguchi could still make out the words. 

_Make it to me._

More tears slipped from his eyes, but they were no longer from relief. They were from guilt. Why was he doing this? Because he couldn’t deal with some shitty memories? Did that give him the right to cause this much pain to others? His mom, his grandparents, Tsukishima, his Soulmate. They would be crushed. He wanted to think they wouldn’t care. That would make it easier, but he knew better. He knew he was loved. These were people who cared about him, and he was really going to check out? Abandon them all to deal with the consequences of his actions? How selfish could he be?

He tried to stand up, but his legs wouldn’t cooperate. His body felt heavy, and he had no strength left. His eyes widened in fear. No, he’d changed his mind! He didn’t want this. But how could he get help if he couldn’t move?

“Mom!” he shrieked as loud as he could. “Mom, please!” He screamed and cried at the top of his lungs praying that he was loud enough to wake her. Sure enough, he heard loud footsteps running down the hall. It was the most beautiful sound.

His mom threw the door open, worry on her face, which dissolved into horror when she got a good look at her son.

She quickly left the room and Yamaguchi wanted to cry and beg her to come back. He needed her. She came back quickly enough though, the phone propped between her ear and shoulder as she spoke quickly into it. Yamaguchi couldn’t make out her words, and he thought that was odd since she was right next to him. She was pressing her hands firmly over the cuts on his thighs, but he couldn’t feel the pressure, his mind losing consciousness, lost in a swarm of fog.

“I’m sorry, mom,” he whimpered as his vision faded to black.

*****

Recovery was hard. 

Therapy was uncomfortable and made him recount the memories he just wanted buried. His therapist was nice enough, but he felt pathetic after every session. They talked about what had happened to him a lot. She made him talk about his feelings which he hated. Lately they’d been talking about his suicide attempt. Even though he hadn’t meant for it to be a suicide attempt initially, and it had mostly been an accident that he had just decided to embrace, that’s what they always called it.

He didn’t want to die, he insisted. He just wanted the memories to go away.

“The memories probably won’t ever go away, Tadashi,” his therapist had said. “But they can become manageable.”

“I don’t know how to make them manageable though,” Yamaguchi had grumbled, threading his fingers together in his lap.

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” his therapist said. “It takes time to learn. We don’t always know how to do something right away. It takes baby steps.”

He had gritted his teeth at that, but nodded, wanting the session to end already. There was only so much talking he could handle.

He was trying, he really was. He had promised his mom that he would. He still remembered her tears when he woke up in the hospital after his attempt. She had been at a loss of what to do and begged him to talk to someone. He agreed because he didn’t want her to worry, but he hated therapy.

He felt self-conscious that he had to miss volleyball practice once a week to go, and it always emotionally exhausted him.

There were a lot of things he hated about his “recovery plan”. He hated keeping a journal. He hated sitting with his thoughts and emotions. He hated taking antidepressants.

But he hated worrying his mother more, so he did everything that was asked of him.

And life went on. His life consisted of volleyball, therapy, and hanging out with Tsukishima. His friend was another big part of the reason he kept up with therapy as much as he wanted to quit. When Tsukishima had found out that Yamaguchi had been self-harming he had been upset. It was the most emotion Yamaguchi had seen from the apathetic blond in a long time.

Yamaguchi had promised to tell Tsukishima if it ever happened again, and when it did, he kept his promise despite the shame he felt at messing up. Tsukishima would come over without complaint and help patch him up and just let Yamaguchi talk at him. He preferred talking to Tsukishima over his therapist. Tsukishima never asked probing questions or made him examine his feelings too closely. He just offered a listening ear and let Yamaguchi decide what he wanted to talk about and what he wanted to share. 

Luckily, these moments weren’t super common. He really did try his hardest to not hurt himself anymore, and he supposed that meant that he was making progress.

Their third year of middle school came and went, and they started their first year at Karasuno High School.

The Karasuno Volleyball Team was chaotic and wonderful. Yamaguchi liked his teammates and how motivated everyone was. Being around them, especially the other first years Hinata and Kageyama, reinvigorated his love for the sport. The last couple years he’d been playing for no other reason than because it was a connection to his Soulmate. Now he played for himself again.

His upperclassmen were kind and never made him feel weird for not changing with the others or for missing practice once a week. The club advisor was aware of why Yamaguchi missed Thursdays, but he was very understanding and discreet about it.

And his Soulmate continued to draw and write to him. Ever since the night of his attempt, writing had become more common. Sometimes he’d wake up to see a _good morning!_ scrawled across his hand or a random thought throughout the day. He couldn’t help laughing in the middle of class as he watched writing appear on his arm. _Why is math so hard???_

These little pockets of joy kept him going and helped break up the monotony that was recovery. And, as frustrating as life could be, he really did appreciate his support system. Tsukishima and his mom were wonderful people who supported him endlessly. And his nameless Soulmate, who knew probably only too well what Yamaguchi had been through thanks to their connection, was always there.

He still had never written back. He wanted to, he really did, but it felt too awkward. He’d been unresponsive for years. It’d probably be weird for him to reply now. But he still appreciated the daily contact.

About a month and a half into the school year his Soulmate found him.

He was sitting in the club room waiting for everyone to finish changing so he could change himself. Tsukishima shuffled out the door, but Yamaguchi knew he’d wait by the school gate for him. He always did.

Yamaguchi tuned out the noise of his upperclassmen joking around, and he busied himself with his phone, texting his mom to ask if he could spend the night at Tsukishima’s. She texted back quickly giving her permission but reminding him to swing by home first so he could take his antidepressant before he went. 

He agreed quickly and pocketed his phone. He glanced around. The club room was mostly empty, it was just him and Hinata left.

He reached into his bag for his clothes and situated them on the seat next to him so he would be ready to quickly change and leave once he was alone.

As he shifted, some light bruises on his knees caught his eye and he panicked for half a second before he relaxed. Seeing bruises anywhere on his body always made him uneasy, but these were light and didn’t seem serious. He rubbed his hands over the bruises curiously. They didn’t hurt and he didn’t remember hurting his knees during practice. He realized quickly that these bruises probably belonged to his Soulmate. His brow furrowed. He hoped they were okay.

Thinking about his Soulmate made him reflexively look at his left palm which was his Soulmate’s favorite place to draw or write to him. Sure enough, there was a new message.

_Hello._

Yamaguchi smiled fondly. He really was grateful to this stranger. If it hadn’t been for them, he wouldn’t be here, and that was something he could never repay.

Movement to his right caught his attention, and he turned to see Hinata sitting next to him.

“Oh, hi Hinata,” he greeted.

Hinata’s smiled softly and extended his palm out to Yamaguchi, who glanced at it curiously.

_Hello._ An exact match to the word on his own palm.

“Hello, Yamaguchi,” Hinata said happily.

Yamaguchi looked up to meet Hinata’s eyes, understanding immediately what this meant. Hinata was his Soulmate. Hinata _knew._ But his eyes didn’t hold any of the pity Yamaguchi had been expecting. He only saw joy and kindness shining out of Hinata’s bright eyes.

A bruised knee nudged his gently and Yamaguchi glanced down briefly, suddenly remembering Hinata falling on his knees during practice. That’s where the bruises had come from.

He glanced back up at Hinata shyly, and the ginger smiled at him again. “I’m glad you made it.”

The reference to the moment his Soulmate – _Hinata_ – had unknowingly saved his life filled Yamaguchi with emotions he didn’t think he’d ever be able to express with words.

All he could do was take a shaky breath and smile tentatively back. “Me too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read; kudos and comments are always welcome! I hope to eventually add more works in this universe/series, but just know that Yamaguchi continues healing, and Hinata and Tsukishima are always there for him <3 
> 
> You can find me on tumblr at yamsfreckles.tumblr.com.


End file.
